i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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