the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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