Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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