What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
