Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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