and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?