so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...