yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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