dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
