I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
