this beer tastes like vomit already
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
