genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ladies don't puke and tell
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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