this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
