what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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