Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
