the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize