I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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