i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
