When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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