i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
