mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
