Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
