he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
