This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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