Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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