i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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