Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Randomize
