I'm so fucking centered right now
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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