i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
