theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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