i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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