I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
