worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I met the friendliest cop last night
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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