i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
