I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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