Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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