I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
