Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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