I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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