a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
