He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I want a musical about memes.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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