I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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