Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
