i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
