mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
