He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
