She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
