it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
