wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
