She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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