So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
