Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
