This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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