I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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