What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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