This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
