she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
