I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I will pee on everything he values.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
